The “Fantasy Trap”


She’s sitting on the edge of the bed, robe dripping off her left shoulder, fresh-faced, moments away from you both sinking deep into your sheets and she tosses out an innocent-enough question, “Have you ever fantasized about having a threesome?”

Matrix moment. Everything goes silent around his ears as he tries to circumnavigate the barrage of advice and past experiences that tell him how to correctly answer this question… 

And then he thinks, ‘Well, how would it hurt to be honest? She’s my partner of 3 years. She’s my best friend. Fuck, I want to have babies with this woman.’ 

So, he tells her the truth, “Well yes, babe. A threesome would be HOT!”

Ha – wrong answer. “Oh so you DO want to fuck another girl! I fucking knew it.” She throws the pillow from her lap at his face, grabs your robe tight around her body, and storms off to the bathroom.

“I’m not enough for you?”, she yells from the bathroom. “Not hot enough?” “How long have you been fantasizing about having another girls boobs in your face?” “I assume you have someone in mind. Who is she?”

Meanwhile, he’s left lying in bed feeling like he’s sinking deep into a dark hole that’s swallowing him whole. ‘Fuck. Wrong answer, dude. You idiot. You should’ve known. Should’ve just said, ‘Nah babe. I have everything I need.’ ’

Men, how many times have you fallen into this trap? Ladies, how many of you admit to consciously or not setting your lover up in this way?

I call this the ‘Fantasy Trap’ and it’s a loop that couples can get into that keeps them stuck in a relationship that is ‘good’ but not ‘great’, that creates deep grooves of mistrust which then creates space, inauthenticity and ultimately – dissatisfaction in the relationship.

I want us to stop normalizing this loop as healthy behavior because it is perpetuating couples being dishonest with each other in order to protect their partners’ insecurities from being triggered.

Do you disagree with me when I say that a healthy relationship is about accepting all of who your partner is, what they desire, what they believe? Do you disagree with me when I tell you that if your partner is afraid to share their fantasies with you, that you have ultimately suffocated the growth of your relationship?

We’ve all heard the adage to not ask questions you don’t want the answer to – Well guess that? That’s total bull. There’s a lot of popular relationship adages I will be logging formal complaints on, but let’s start here.

Here’s the thing. Yes, it’s totally ok for you to have fears and insecurities about a threesome, and so, let’s dive deeper into those and do some de-armouring and talk these out before confronting our partners with a question we want them to answer dishonestly in order to make us feel better.

Threesomes are the most common fantasy among us adults. It’s a dynamic that offers us experiences that literally cannot be created between only two people. For couples in long-term relationships, it can breathe new life into a sex life that has gotten dull, predictable or really just boring.

Of course, there is an art to a mindblowing threesome experience. I’ll be talking more about this, so if you’re not already on my email list for the sxually curious… join us here.

But let’s circle back on the idea of asking questions we don’t want the answer to because this is what I want us to focus on today. It could be as simple as asking your partner, “Do you think they’re attractive?”

A seemingly innocent question, but the sheer number of dishonest answers I’ve witnessed to this question elicit has me shuddering. Can we be honest with ourselves and recognize that us being threatened by someone else’s attractiveness is rooted in our own insecurity?

It’s time we feel good in our bodies, in our inner confidence. It’s time we free ourselves from the weight of our insecurities so we can live freely in our relationships and create deep connections with our partners founded in vulnerable moments and HONEST conversations.

Exit the loop of the ‘fantasy trap’ and welcome in some fresh air as you explore all that your relationship can be and who knows – maybe you explore a new fantasy together that transports you back to those first fizzy-pop days of you two when you were first dating 😉